Headlines from "The Onion":
Last updated on Sun, 14 Mar 2010
Sports: NHL, NASCAR To Punish Carl Edwards For Hit On Bruins' Marc Savard
BOSTON—NASCAR and the National Hockey League announced Wednesday they would punish Sprint Cup driver Carl Edwards for hitting Boston center Marc Savard with his No. 99 Ford Fusion stock car late in the third period...
Racial Slur Development Not Keeping Pace With Mixed-Race Births, Nation's Bigots Report
WASHINGTON—"The time has come for our ugly, intolerant rhetoric to step into the 21st century. Our disgusting, dehumanizing slurs simply must reflect the terrifying new global society we now live in," said American Racists and Bigots Council chairman Tom Branson.
Sports: 'She's Probably A Money-Hungry Liar,' Extremely Nervous Steelers Fans Report
PITTSBURGH—In the wake of sexual assault allegations made against Ben Roethlisberger by a Georgia college student, nervous Steelers fans across the nation speculated that the supposed victim was most likely a conniving harpy...
In Focus: Bishop Sick Of Local Church Scene
SACRAMENTO, CA—Bishop Robert K. Boland of the Roman Catholic Diocese of Sacramento announced Monday that, although he remains a devoted servant of God and the Catholic Church, he has become tired of the same old church scene.
Authorities Investigating Suicide Determine Victim Really Went For It
HAVERFORD, PA—Officials investigating the tragic suicide of local man Thomas Ingraham told reporters Tuesday they have determined that the...
Massa Insinuates He Was Forced Out
After resigning amidst allegations of sexual harassment, former Rep. Eric Massa (D-NY) told Larry King and Glenn Beck that he was targeted by the...
Sports: Stan Van Gundy Gives Players 'Dr. BBQ's Big-Time Barbecue Cookbook' To Read During Road Trip
ORLANDO, FL—Continuing a tradition that stretches back to his early years with the Miami Heat, Magic head coach Stan Van Gundy routinely presents his players with classic barbecue cookbooks to inspire them and provide insights during road trips.
Man On Internet Almost Falls Into World Of DIY Mustard Enthusiasts
DES MOINES, IA—Only when Steve Gibson started getting enraged by mustard-related issues did he realize he had become entangled in a dense, thickening web of mustard obsession. "I saw my wife put French's mustard on a bologna sandwich and I just lost control," he said.
In Focus: Nation To Be Tested For Scoliosis Friday
WASHINGTON, DC--In a mandatory, nationwide health initiative many Americans are dreading, all U.S. citizens will be tested for scoliosis Friday.
Opinion: I Didn't Spend 6 Weeks In A Medical License Reinstatement Ethics Class To Have You Call Me 'Mister' (by Dr. Trent Berstyn)
It's tragic how people treat doctors in this day and age. The lack of respect for the education and training medical professionals go through,...
![[video] Boys Tragic Death Could Have Happened To Any Family With 20-Foot Pet Python](http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/SNAKE_ATTACK_ARTICLE.thumbnail.jpg)
[video] Boys Tragic Death Could Have Happened To Any Family With 20-Foot Pet Python
Rich and Lisa Shaw say there were no warning signs that their 300-pound Burmese Python would crush and eat their 3 year old son.
Lohan Sues ETrade Over TV Ad
Actress Lindsay Lohan filed a lawsuit against the Internet brokerage E*Trade over a commercial featuring a talking baby named Lindsay who suffers...
Couple Of Cool Guys Just Hanging Out
NEW YORK—Cool guys Shawn Goldstein, 26 (left) and Walt Traxel, 26 (right) just hang out Thursday afternoon. Please check back in for updates as The Onion continues to follow this developing story.
In Focus: Senate Candidate Drops Out Of Race Due To Shyness
KNOXVILLE, TN--Donald Miller told his campaign manager to tell the people that Tennessee would be better off with a more confident, outgoing representative.
Alternate Health Care Bills
In response to President Obama's call for compromise, several lawmakers have concocted their own health care reform bills. Here are some...
Sports: Chris Bosh Out For Season After Cutting Open Knee To See How It Works
TORONTO—The Raptors medical staff announced Tuesday that Chris Bosh will miss the rest of the season after the inquisitive forward cut open his knee with a steak knife in an effort to look inside and see how the joint works.
Universe Comes To Halt As Kid Flips Through First Shark Book
SPRINGDALE, AR—The dynamic processes by which matter and energy function in the physical world ground to a halt Thursday night as 7-year-old...
Wine May Help Women Moderate Weight
In a long-term study that surveyed the drinking habits of 20,000 women, those who consumed moderate amounts of alcohol were more likely to keep their...
[audio] 18-Year-Old Demands Right To Be Sexually Harrassed In Workplace
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
Nation Shudders At Large Block Of Uninterrupted Text
WASHINGTON—Without an illustration, chart, or embedded YouTube video to ease them in, millions of dumbfounded citizens from Maine to California were frozen in place, terrified by the sight of one long, unbroken string of English words unsure of what to do next.
