Headlines from "The Onion":
Last updated on Fri, 16 May 2008
[audio] Biologists Apologize For Release Of Giant Winged Serpents
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
Piggly Wiggly Scouting Report Indicates J.J. Hardy Enjoys Rib-Eye Steaks
MILWAUKEE—A Piggly Wiggly-sponsored scouting report shown during an at-bat by Brewers shortstop J.J. Hardy Sunday indicated that his major...
Stackley Cup Playoffs Underway
NEW YORK—The 2008 Stackley Cup Playoffs, a set of odd-number-of-games series that will determine the champion of the National Huckie League, are well underway, NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman confirmed Monday. At press time,...
Jimmy Fallon To Host 'Late Night'
NBC officially announced that Jimmy Fallon will replace Conan O'Brien as host of Late Night in 2009. What do you think?
Formerly Obese Man Always Showing Everyone His Old Pants
RUFFS DALE, PA—According to John Swink's friends, family, coworkers, and casual acquaintances, as well as a growing number of local waiters and...
Nation's Slicked-Back-Hair Men Rally Against Negative Hollywood Portrayal
LOS ANGELES—Even though men with this hairstyle comprise just 3 percent of the US populace, activists argue, they make up 80 percent of TV villains and assholes.
I Would Say 'To Kill A Mockingbird' Captured The Most Interesting Part Of Our Lives
As I get older and reflect on my life, my mind always drifts back to the time I defended handyman Tom Robinson against those trumped-up, racially...
I Can't Believe I'm Being Forced To Sit On This Couch While Jay Leno Interviews Josh Hartnett
Don't get me wrong: It's great being on the show. Love Jay, love the audience, really. And this Josh…Hartnett, is it? He seems like a good...
Clinton Questions Obama's Ability To Greet World Leaders
CHARLESTON, WV—Hillary Clinton once again attacked Barack Obama on the issue of experience Tuesday, this time questioning the Illinois...
Everything Falling Apart, Reports Institute For Somehow Managing To Hold It All Together
WASHINGTON—"Though we're working to fix things, the situation has become OH FOR CHRIST'S SAKE—I just spilled coffee on myself," said the institute's chairman.
"Law Order" Actor Arrested
Former Law & Order star Dennis Farina was arrested and charged with a felony after he took a loaded, unregistered handgun to an airport....
Jenna Bush Married
First daughter Jenna Bush was married to Henry Chase Hager on her father's ranch in Crawford, TX. What do you think?
Toddler Makes Convincing Case For Being Afraid Of Horse
ACHILLE, OK—Despite only recently gaining the ability to form complete sentences, 2-year-old Trevor Cornett was able to present a clearheaded...
Michel Gondry Entertained For Days By New Cardboard Box
NEW YORK—Gondry greeted members of the press by placing the box over his head and declaring that he was a lonely building without a skyline to call home.
Local Bar Comes Out As Gay
SEATTLE—"Once I saw two guys kissing in the bathroom, but I thought they were just drunk. Now it makes perfect sense, though," resident Frank Klein said.
Nationals Book It After Foul Ball Accidentally Smashes Capitol Rotunda
WASHINGTON, DC—An 8,976-foot foul ball off the bat of Washington third baseman Ryan Zimmerman crashed through the U.S. Capitol Building rotunda Sunday afternoon, prompting both the Nationals and the opposing Pittsburgh Pirates to gasp, turn...