Headlines from "The Onion":
Last updated on Sat, 31 Jul 2010
Bengals Sign Terrell Owens To One-Year, $2 Million Ordeal
CINCINNATI—The Bengals reached a contract agreement with wide receiver Terrell Owens Tuesday, signing the outspoken six-time Pro Bowler to an excruciating one-year ordeal worth $2 million plus bonuses.
Strongside/Weakside: Stephen Strasburg
After only nine starts, Strasburg's incredible speed, motion, and control have made this pitcher the most exciting rookie baseball has seen in years. Is he any good?
In Focus: World's Scientists Admit They Just Don't Like Mice
ZURICH, SWITZERLAND—Scientists announced that experimentation on mice has been motivated out of sheer distaste for the rodents.
Sportsgraphic: Lance Armstrong's Tour De France Career
Seven-time champ Armstrong will almost certainly retire from cycling following his crash-ridden swan song in this year's Tour, but he leaves fans with many memories.
New Robot Capable Of Unhealthily Repressing Emotion
PITTSBURGH—Announcing a crucial breakthrough in the effort to create machines that accurately simulate human behavior, researchers at Carnegie Mellon University said Monday they had built the first robot with the capacity to suppress its emotions.
American Voices: Congress Rolls Back Crack Sentencing
The U.S. Congress passed legislation reducing the disparity of sentencing for crack cocaine possession versus powder cocaine from 100:1 to 18:1.
Lip-Reading BCS Computer Kills Officials Who Want To Shut It Down
TEMPE, AZ—BCS 9000, the sentient heuristic computer responsible for arranging five championship bowl games at the end of each college football season, reportedly uncovered a plot to disconnect its cognitive circuits Tuesday and proceeded to kill any...
In Focus: Gambling-Addiction Study Gets Out Of Hand
LAS VEGAS, NV—A gambling-addiction study by researchers at UNLV's Gaming Studies Research Center has "gotten way out of hand," sources close to the project reported Monday.
Opinion: If Only There Were Some Way I Could Watch Premium Movies In The Comfort Of My Own Home (by Jeff Kunstler)
Television technology has been improving for decades, to the point where anyone anywhere in the country has access to hundreds of quality cable channels at the touch of a button. Shouldn't watching the hottest films, with today's hottest stars, be just a click away, too?
Bar Patrons Dismayed By Sight Of Band Setting Up
ATLANTA—Patrons of Valentine's Tavern were visibly crestfallen Tuesday when their pleasant evening of drinking and conversing with friends was suddenly derailed by the sight of a few people plugging in instruments.
American Voices: Tennessee Candidate Asks If Islam Is Cult
At an event earlier this month, Tennessee gubernatorial candidate Ron Ramsey questioned whether Islam was a religion or a cult, drawing criticism from Muslim leaders.
Report: Unemployment High Because People Keep Blowing Their Job Interviews
WASHINGTON—With unemployment at its highest level in decades, the U.S. Department of Labor issued a report Tuesday suggesting the crisis is primarily the result of millions of Americans just completely blowing their job interviews.
In Focus: New Gas Bill Designed By Some Kind Of Freaking Maniac
BOSTON—Some kind of raving psychopath apparently gnawed through his restraints and burrowed out of the Massachusetts Center For The Criminally Insane to design the invoice for the Keystone Gas Company, 36-year-old Michael Beasley reported Monday.
Letters To The Editor: Color Blind
Dear The Onion, I'm color-blind. What's green like? Brian Ackley, Southfield, MI
Infographic: Chelsea Clinton Getting Married
Chelsea Clinton, daughter of former president Bill Clinton and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, is marrying Marc Mezvinsky this Saturday in a ceremony that will be attended by Barack Obama, Barbra Streisand, and Oprah Winfrey. Here's what to expect from the nuptials.
James, Bosh, Wade Decide Nickname Will Be 'The Three-Headed Shitstorm'
MIAMI—After weeks of debate over their collective nickname, Lebron James, Chris Bosh, and Dwyane Wade announced yesterday that the newly formed all-star trio would call themselves the Three-Headed Shitstorm.
American Voices: Defecating Birds Stop Kings Of Leon
After being hit repeatedly by pigeon feces from the rafters of the Verizon Amphitheater in St.
