Headlines from "The Onion":
Last updated on Sat, 4 Feb 2012
TV Listings: Downton Abbey
PBS 9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST The hit British show has to do damage control after last week's episode, in which all the characters referred to the fighting in France as "World War I."
Greg Schiano Leaves Spotlight Of Rutgers Football For Low-Profile Buccaneers Job
TAMPA, FL—New Tampa Bay Buccaneers coach Greg Schiano explained to reporters Friday his decision to leave Rutgers, saying the mid-Florida football team offered his family the privacy and anonymity he missed during his years in the Rutgers spotlight.
[video] Poll: GOP Nomination Now Two-Way Race Between Mitt Romney, Total Voter Apathy
The FDA urges Americans to check out a really weird-looking potato, a suitcase looks forward all year to the carousel ride, and Syria is running dangerously low on citizens to oppress.
Area Man Finally Sees Enough Images Of Bare Breasts For Entire Lifetime
BOISE, ID—With what he described as "a deep sense of satisfaction," local man David Glean closed his laptop Tuesday after viewing his 98,344th pair of naked breasts, telling reporters he had seen enough bare bosoms in his 32 years to last ...
Ron Paul Blames Florida Loss On Expensive Advertising Costs Of Poster Board, Markers
TAMPA, FL—After finishing last in this week's Florida primary, Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul told reporters his poor showing in the polls was caused by the prohibitively expensive cost of the poster board, markers, and tape he uses to c...
[video] Cocky Giants' D Reveals Game Plan That They Will Try And Tackle Tom Brady
News is breaking all over Indy as the Giants reveal their plans to tackle Tom Brady, Belichick rallies the troops with genital mutilation, and Peyton Manning gets over the Colts with some casual football.
Opinion: Oh, Shit! What Day Is It? (by Punxsutawney Phil)
Boy, it feels like I just went to bed. I must've hibernated on my back all weird or something. What a dream, though, wow. I wonder what time it...
American Voices: Should Sugar Be Regulated?
In a recent editorial in the journal Nature , researchers from the University of California–San Francisco suggested that as a toxic substance, sugar should be taxed and regulated like alcohol or tobacco.
Rangers Mistakenly Attempt To Woo Roy Oswalt By Touting Dallas' Gay Nightlife Scene
DALLAS—Sought-after free agent pitcher Roy Oswalt said he was "flattered and impressed" by the effort the Texas Rangers made in trying to sign him this week, but admitted he had no idea why the team made such a point of emphasizing the abu...
Group Of Calm, Confident Squirrels Stroll Upright Through Central Park
Group Of Calm, Confident Squirrels Stroll Upright Through Central Park
1,000 'Bleacher Report' Writers Descend On Super Bowl Media Day
INDIANAPOLIS—Sports journalists and television crews were pushed aside during Super Bowl Media Day on Tuesday as more than 1,000 writers for the website BleacherReport.com entered Lucas Oil Stadium to acquire material for their trademark style of re...
Infographic: SEAL Team Six: Behind The Scenes
Last week, SEAL Team Six, the Navy strike force responsible for killing Osama bin Laden, rescued two humanitarian aid workers who'd been taken hostage by Somali pirates. With such a stressful line of work, the team needs a little down time now and the ...
New Study Finds Humans May Have Some Capacity For Compassion
TUCSON, AZ—A University of Arizona study published this week in the American Journal Of Sociology suggests that some adult humans may occasionally feel compassion, a trait scientists have long considered beyond the capacity of the species.
An unopened one-gallon jar of Hellmann's mayonnaise quietly expired last week.
An unopened one-gallon jar of Hellmann's mayonnaise quietly expired last week.
American Voices: Burmese Pythons Exterminating Everglades Mammals
A study in the journal Proceedings Of The National Academy of Sciences links a drastic decline in raccoons and other mammals in the Florida everglades to the introduction of Burmese pythons.
'Huffington Post' Employee Sucked Into Aggregation Turbine
NEW YORK—Shocked and saddened witnesses at the Huffington Post 's news-aggregation facility have confirmed that employee Henry Evers, 25, died Wednesday ...
[audio] Internet Collapses Under Sheer Weight Of Baby Pictures
Internet Collapses Under Sheer Weight Of Baby Pictures
TV Listings: Shafts
Oxygen 11 p.m. EST/10 p.m. CST Special guest George Clooney prattles on about the rainforest for 20 minutes before revealing his trademark grin and whipping it out.
Nation's Telephone Conversation Fans Thrilled By Long-Awaited Mayweather-Pacquiao Phone Call
Nation's Telephone Conversation Fans Thrilled By Long-Awaited Mayweather-Pacquiao Phone Call
Slideshow: Super Bowl XLVI Preview Guide
The Super Bowl is almost here, and no fan can afford to be without the Onion Sports guide to the game's most crucial personnel.
Corrections: Punic Wars
Last week, The Onion mixed up the dates of the First and Second Punic Wars in the story "Bedford-Area Girl Kidnapped." The Onion regrets the error.
SAN ANTONIO, TX—Sleepwalking obstetrician Dr. Karen Shield patiently explained to the refrigerator that it was having an ectopic pregnancy.
SAN ANTONIO, TX—Sleepwalking obstetrician Dr. Karen Shield patiently explained to the refrigerator that it was having an ectopic pregnancy.
Obama Criticized For Living In Lavish Mansion While Most Americans Struggle To Make Ends Meet
WASHINGTON—Over the past three years, as the sluggish economy has forced many Americans to tighten their belts, President Obama has reportedly enjoyed a lavish personal lifestyle, residing with his family in a 132-room house staffed by a 24-hour se...
Man Doing What He Loves For A Living Needs To Borrow 50 Bucks
Man Doing What He Loves For A Living Needs To Borrow 50 Bucks
